Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
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And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
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On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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