Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
