I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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