neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
