Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
