He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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