im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
