I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
