i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
