I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
