I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
