I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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