well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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