My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
