I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
