the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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