When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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