No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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