I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done