a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
