if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
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I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
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she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.