He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
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I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
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My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.