Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
