You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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