too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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