I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
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I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
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This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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