Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
