We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
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Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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