Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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