If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
