... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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