Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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