I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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