I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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