So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
