I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
