I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I had to cum in my sink.
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