I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
