My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?