I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
