i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Well I just put wine in my tea
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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