This is not my ceiling
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
