She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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