I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
