Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
