So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
