what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
