my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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