Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
