My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
