i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
