All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
