Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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