You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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