Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
