Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
