party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
