Your favorite bartender is back from prision
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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