toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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