I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
