i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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