You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
